Today is the day the tornadoes hit around Peoria. As I'm standing outside watching a tornado from the deck, I could feel the same storm brewing in my chest. My life tends to constantly have the makings for the perfect storm just waiting for the final element that will set the whirlwind into motion. I hesitate to be too transparent but I know that the storm in my chest is a result of the secrets that I keep.
I've been walking a long road of hiding reality, but isn't that the example my whole life has set? Put on a smile, lipstick, and some great eye makeup and no one will see the sadness. I can't hide them this time. The scars of insecurity, of self doubt, the ache that never goes away... I wear them like a piece of jewelry these days.
The truth is, it's all my fault. My expectations are too high and my heart is too sensitive. I wish I could change my past, decisions I've made, baggage that I carry, hateful words I've said... I wish I could take it all back. I would do so many things differently. I would strive to be a different person. I'm not the wife or mother that I always thought I would be and it makes me sad each time I think about it.
I'm selfish. I'm sloppy. I'm insecure. I'm needy. I'm demanding. I want a fairytale that doesn't exist...
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This post was written on 11/17/13. I hit the publish button almost a week later after a few omissions and changes.
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