Oscars

For the past several years I would go to a friend's house for an Oscar party. Each party couple would pick from one of the movies up for Best Picture and make a dish revolved around or pertaining to that movie. We would eat, critique gowns, eat, drool over a few stars, and watch the winners give their speeches. We also voted on our Oscar picks and the winner got a gift certificate to the movies. Sadly this year I am unable to go. When I checked my school schedule to see if I would be swamped with homework I had no idea that one project in particular would take so much time. So tonight, rather than watch the stars on the red carpet, I get to sit at Starbucks studying. Bummer.

Throughout my life I've had some really neat people come and go. Some friends are here for a short time and then distance separates us for whatever reason, while other friends stay the course and stick around for life. High school was a great time for me. I had struggles going on at home, but the only memories that stick out in my mind are the ones of staying up late giggling with girlfriends, that fluttery feeling of a new crush, or the feeling of Independence that I know must have made my mom crazy! Somehow I felt loved and wanted... popular among my clique.

Recently some old friends have resurfaced in my life. I can't help but think that our friendship has a purpose if God brought us back together after so much distance. Maybe I need them... maybe they need me. It's neat to reconnect and feel like time stood still. Once again you are back in high school, giggling, laughing out loud as you recall all of your inside jokes and most precious memories. Those days and those friends got me through times that I hope my children never have to go through. Somehow I came out of it all with my head held high and a smile on my face.

A wise, old friend once wrote that with each person we meet we are changed just by knowing them. We leave a legacy, a fingerprint, on each heart we encounter. To my dear, sweet friends, thank you for the fingerprint you left on my heart. My life has been so much sweeter since you have been a part of it.

A Cookies and Milk Kind of Night

I had a long day and still have things left to accomplish. After class I rested, got up to clean, fed my girls, had a phone conversation or two, read an AR book, gave a friend a massage, fed the dogs and said "good night" to my husband. Now I sit here alone with my text books open and my to do list sitting beside me trying to decide what to do next.

As I think back to the days of grade school and high school and even my early college days I remember how hard it was to sit and study without daydreaming or rushing through the text to get to the end. If I look at all the pages I must be done, right? Tonight I want to do the same thing... skim the pages and hope that something sticks for my quiz tomorrow.

I'd love nothing more than to cuddle up on the couch with my Yorkie in my lap, a cookie in one hand and a glass of cold milk in the other, and watch a movie. Sadly, I have to settle for a chair at the table with my Yorkie at my feet and a powerpoint lecture on total knee replacement occupying my mind. Someday it's all going to pay off, isn't it?

A tantruming 5 year old

At dinner tonight Lauren decided to have one of her 5 year old breakdowns. This all started when she was trying to carry her plate to the dinner table like a waitress (balanced on one hand above her shoulder). Her dad told her to hold it with two hands and she argued with him but gave in and carried it the right way. Then she wanted a second helping of green beans and brought her plate to the counter. I gave her another helping and as I turned back around I heard her plate hit the floor. Guess what... she was again trying to be a waitress again. I didn't say a word and she burst into tears. She knew she was caught doing just what she was told NOT to do. This brought forth a tailspin of tears and tantrums from our beautiful 5 year old, who is not quite able to make it through the day without a nap. She was excused from the table and sent to her room... I'm sure by now she is sleeping. Oh, the joys of motherhood!

Today was an encouragment...

Today I had my midterm evaluation in my clinical setting. My clinical instructor (CI) wrote up his evaluation of my progress thus far and my classroom instructor, Alice, came to visit and check in as she does with all her students. My evaluation was full of kind words and compliments that I so needed to hear. I needed to have some validation that I am really doing as well as I feel like I am. Alice commented to me today and also mentioned to my CI that I'm one of her strongest students. I couldn't help but to smile gently on the outside but on the inside I could hardly sit still! I have worked so hard and my family has given up so much for me to be doing this. Her words of affirmation mean so much more than she could ever know. I can't tell you how many times I've wondered if my education is taking too much away from my husband and my children. To make up for me not working, my husband is working a full time job, a regular part time job, and as many side jobs as he can to keep our home running. My girls have to make due with a television babysitter while I'm studying or completing an assignment rather than have me reading to them and spending time together.

Is this all coming at too high a price? Only if I fail.

My Soul Mate

Yesterday was Valentine's Day. We had no special plans for the night, no expectations. Then my husband's mom gives us the gift of a night out... just the two of us. Dinner and a show without the girls, without being the mom, I could focus on being me and giving my husband the attention he deserves. We had a great time together but hurried back to get our girls. We put them to bed and our date continued.

I looked at my husband last night. I saw him. The man that I get grouchy at when he sits in front of the computer endlessly, the one who leaves his shoes right in the walking path, the man who always seems to be walking out the door... I looked into his eyes and saw my life, my future. I could see that he loves me without conditions, truly and fully. He has given his life to me as much as I have given my life to him. We each have had to make sacrifices to be where we are. A little part of each individual is chipped away as we grow together. I'm not the same person he fell in love with, nor is he the same person I fell in love with. Yet, I'm amazed that with each breath I take I find myself more in love than ever.

We always say that we "fit". When we lay side by side in each other's arms we "fit", we are like a puzzle that may match colors with other pieces but when it comes right down to it, no other pieces will fit together so perfectly. I can't say how I know for sure, but I just know beyond a shadow of a doubt that no other person can be all that my husband is for me. The day I realized that was so precious. When I find myself frustrated I think back to my moment of certainty. It's a moment I treasure enough to not let it be ruined by words. I only wish all lovers could find such validation in their mate.

My Dance

Sometimes I feel like the weight of the world is dancing on my shoulders and I just can't seem to join in the fun. I'm not sure what holds me back and keeps me in my chair. Somewhere I got the idea that I have to "be a lady". Immediately this sets me apart. I often wonder if there is another world that I belong in. Don't get me wrong, I am not unhappy, not in the least. I just feel misunderstood. I sit back with my hands folded gently in my lap with a smile pasted on my face watching other people in the spotlight. Maybe it's fear of being a fool, or that I'm just not brave, maybe it's because your opinion of me is worth more than my own.

In my own mind I see myself doing great things and being needed; I have a purpose outside of my home. Is this pride? Is it vanity? What gives me the desire to be great but keeps me in my seat all at the same time? I want to be more than I am. I want to fly to great heights and feel the excitement of success. Not necessarily success in the traditional sense. I don't need bucket fulls of money and fame is of no interest to me. I want success in the form of being great at what I do and who I am. I would consider myself a success if a friend told me I saved her marriage, or my husband were to tell me that the amazing man he is today is a result of being with me... I would be a success if my children were to grow up into amazing woman after God's own heart. When I graduate and start a career I want people to choose me as their therapist, not only because I know what I'm doing, but because my touch and my way gives them hope and comfort. I want to leave a fingerprint on this world even if in the smallest of ways; a legacy that my children can be proud of... that I can be proud of.

So while the world dances, I will just sit back and wait. My turn will come and when it does I will gracefully stand and join the dance.

My first...

I know lots of people, mostly woman, who blog about their life and children. I have done so myself on many occasions. Usually my audience is geared toward my MySpace friends. I enjoy writing so much, however, that I decided to branch out with some anonymity. A place to be 100% me with no expectations. I've often thought that I should start journaling, but putting pen to paper is so hard for me. I can't count how many times I hit the backspace key until my words appear on screen just as they are in my head. Welcome to my world of dreams, fears, and fanstasy. So many thoughts and now the perfect place to jot them down.