Bucket List

Normally I am not an early riser but this morning I was lying in bed next to my sleeping husband and that's always a recipe for a new blog though it rarely makes it to paper.  Here I sit at 7:30 on a Saturday morning...  this was NOT on my bucket list!  A few years ago my husband mentioned his "bucket list" and a few of the things he hopes to experience.  Since that time I have been developing my own list of  personal accomplishments.  My list doesn't involve crazy things like sky diving or cliff hanging.  My list of things may be more impossible to achieve. 

At the top of my list would be "to live the fairytale", even if only for a season, and I don't mean the wicked step-mother chapter!  In my marriage I want to be the perfect wife to my perfect husband with the ultimate in fairytale cliche.  To be swept off my feet...  like I said, next to impossible.

Next on my list would be to watch my girls grow into thriving young women who marry the love of their lives with joy and happiness abounding.

I would love to have validation that my life, my struggles, my efforts, some part of me made a positive impact on another human being.  As a wife, a mother, a friend, a therapist, or just as an acquaintance.  I want to know that my God used me in a way that made another life just a little brighter.

I want to have the power to slay my demons.  Each time you see my smile it hides constant worry, fear, failures, inadequacies, and pain.  I want to confidently smile knowing that I've conquered them all.

Several years ago I began to learn sign language.  I can muddle through a conversation and get my point across, but I would love to be fluent... This one could be an easy one to check off my list!

Of course travels are on my list along with some of the material objects usually associated with a midlife crisis (swimming pool and a convertible, oh, and another yorkie!), but when I think of my bucket list most of the items I would love to check off have to do with changing my perception, my expectation, and seeing the beauty in the smaller, mundane things.  I've learned that life doesn't often greet us with our hopes and dreams tied up in neat little bow unless we are able to appreciate the humble blessings.

Today it will be my goal to take one step closer to being the "perfect wife" to my husband, to make my daughters smile, and gain a foothold on one of those demons by winning just one battle.

A lonely day...

Today is one of those days that I need a place to write my innermost thoughts without anyone knowing they belong to me. Blogging is a healing process for me and seeing my thoughts appear into words is somehow soothing to my soul. 

After scripting an entire blog, letting my thoughts rest, and coming back to it several months later. I erased everything I never posted.  Sometimes raw emotion is too raw and too revealing even in a blog that rarely gets read.

The desire to write.

Sometimes I get this crazy urge to write.  When I say write, I mean write pages and pages of thoughts and emotions.  Those that make sense, and those that don't.  I want to write in the way my mind thinks no matter which way the wind blows.  I want to be heard but even more so, I want to hear myself.  Several times throughout my adulthood I have wanted to write a book.  The only problem with writing a book is that you assume you have sometime important to say.  My book would be my legacy to my daughters; a keepsake, a timeline.  I often wish this desire would go away, but by sitting down in front of a blank canvas, I feed the frenzy.  Sometimes I feel like I just need to acknowledge my own feelings.  If I don't, who else will? 

Those Days are LOOONG Gone...

Time is a funny thing.  One moment I'm wishing for this stage of life to pass and then next moment I'm looking back wondering where it went.  I remember, very distinctly, sitting on my bed when I was in 7th grade wondering what life must be like and how wonderful it all must be.  I remember wondering about who I would fall in love with, what my wedding day would look like... my future was an endless open book of blank pages just waiting for time to fill it all in.  The story of my life was written as I read it.

I felt infinate power to steer my destiny.  I wouldn't settle for anything less than what I saw in my dreams.  Time is funny...  now my dreams no longer revolve around me.  I have settled because it was the right thing to do.  In all reality, I haven't settled.  I have more than enough.  An amazing man loves me, I have two beautiful little girls with dreams of their own, and a God that's so big that people miss His blessings and grace.  I'm grateful for so much, in this season of life as well as seasons that have long passed.  I don't want to be standing at the end of my life and all I can remember is wishing away the time.  In the here and now... that's where I want to find my joy and contentment.  Right here, right now.

(Except I can't WAIT for my kitchen to be done!!!  ;D)

It's been a while...

As I sit here in the silence of my home with no children around, no husband playing his guitar, no television or radio, I notice the noise in my head which has been wearing me down for days. I find comfort in words and healing in expressing them. In a desperate attempt to quite the noise, I write.

A sealed envelope from a teacher is rarely a good thing. One such envelope has occupied my mind and continues to weigh heavy on my heart. My sweet little Lauren has had a problem with being bullied. It occurred in Preschool and then continued on in Kindergarten by a different child. I had to go all Erin Brockovich, but I've managed to back the school into a corner which in turn resulted in the removal of this problem child though it was into the 4th year of bullying. This sealed envelope was a hand written letter from the teacher expressing concerns regarding Lauren's lack of attention to detail in class, her lack of happiness, and lack of smile. What heart-breaking words to hear from a teacher about your child...

Since this letter I've been making it my mission to be slow to anger, give positive feedback, more "I love you"s, talking through the tough moments of the day and celebrating the joys. As a mom, I'm finding it incredibly difficult to handle this on my own. I'm feeling like my little girl could be at a crossroads and to steer her the wrong way or not to steer her at all could be life changing. Yet when I get ready to take that next step I feel the need to be cautious regarding her spirit. Do I really want her to know that at age 8 she needed counseling? I have struggled with depression. I've been to counselors. I have worked my butt off to maintain my own mental health. Each day includes some kind of mental health assessment on my part. I am careful about what I watch, what I read, who I give my heart to and how close I become with others... At 34 years old I have learned my limits. Do my limits include being able to coach my daughter without professional backup?

Parents will go to the ends of the earth to give to their children. Sometimes it really doesn't even matter what they are giving... I want to give my girls roots into a solid foundation and wings to have the confidence to go into the world and tackle it with all of their might. I can't think of a greater gift. My parenting philosophy has always been to work backwards. I envision my children in various stages of their lives. Who are they? What does their character look like? How do they handle the tough situations that life will inevitably throw them? Then I work backwards. What do I have to teach them now to mold them into the image in my mind. Please don't get me wrong. I'm not choosing their career or their passions or forcing them into a life path. I'm simply teaching them character by looking ahead. What do I want for them and what tools should I give them today to help them achieve it?

This brings me back to Lauren. When I look ahead into her life I wonder if a counselor will help her work through her thoughts and give her invaluable advice or will it do more damage by giving her co-dependant expectations? This stage of parenting is hard, emotionally; and I feel ill equipped.