"Time"

Today I was asked to give a gift that I don't have the power to give. As I was making my rounds in the hospital I treated a gentleman in the ICU. After the treatment I was handing him the nurse call button and making sure his phone was handy. I patted him on the shoulder and told him he did a great job, offered him some tissues, and asked if there was anything else I could get for him. His answer... his answer brings tears to my eyes at this moment just as it did when I was standing by his side. "Time". He wants more time. I couldn't speak. I couldn't respond. How callous I must have looked to him. Little does he know he's been on my mind all day. I'm sure he is reflecting on his life; smiling at the great moments but brokenhearted over the mistakes and imagining life going on without him. At this man's bedside was a picture of Jesus. He's just not ready to go home. What could I have said to offer comfort? What would Jesus have said? I've said it so many times and here I say it again... most of the lessons I'm learning in the hospital aren't about physical therapy but about patient care. I'm not sure where God wants me to end up and I don't know how good I will be as a therapist, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I care. I care about the sweet little lady who calls me "honey", I care about the guy with the great sense of humor, and I care about the man who no one wanted to work with because he had a bad attitude and abused the staff with his words. I care. It's the biggest lesson I've learned.

Dear Lord, my new friend in ICU wants more time. I'm not sure what your plan is for him whether his life is numbered in weeks or years, but please give him the peace he needs in order to live the rest of his days in contentment. Give him the opportunity to say the things he needs to say to those that he loves the most. Please, Lord, grant him peace.

A little understanding closes the gap.

I went to high school with a girl who was different than me. Years later we have reconnected on myspace and our paths are still very distant, maybe more so than ever. We've commented on each others blogs here and there, sent each other a message or two, but when it comes right down to it we are strangers who used to know one another. Through our casual conversations, and despite our obvious differences, I've found that we have a lot of similarities. We are both mothers to two beautiful little girls. We have both walked long, hard roads at some point in our lives. We have both been hurt and have had to press on with new and painful scars. Above all though, we both want to love and be loved. Recently, this girl posted a blog speaking truth about people who have influenced her, both good and bad. I was really surprised to find my name listed among the others. At first I thought maybe she was referring to someone else but after I read the post, I knew it was talking about me. Her comment was this:

"Dawn: Forces me to believe in a lot (not all) but a lot of the better good of people. You have been more kind, sharing and supportive than most of my "non-christian" friends have ever been....you're someone who should down right reject even the idea of me and you don't. I have a lot of admiration for you."

What kinder words could be spoken? She may never know this, but this is what I stand on. The very core of my being, every ounce of what I believe, has made an impact on a life so very different than my own.

Speak boldly but gently.

Meet others where they are and give what you have.

Be ready because you never know when it's your turn to wear the halo.

"The Single Most Thrilling Moment of my Life"...

As my husband was putting the first piece of drywall in place on the ceiling in the basement, he turns to me and asks if it was everything I had hoped it would be. Needless to say, I've been wanting this project to get underway and with the materials sitting in the basement there wasn't much of an excuse. As exciting as it was seeing that first piece of a very large ceiling go into place, it wasn't as I had teased "the single most thrilling moment of my life". This movie quote prompted me to ask my husband what has the most thrilling moment been in his life. As he usually does with deep questions like this, he hesitates to answer and says "This is a question with no right answer and a whole lotta wrong ones." While I can appreciate his thoughts on my question, I still wanted an answer. I assumed his answer had something to do with his career as a fireman, but his answer was "Well, there's nothing quite like standing on a football field with 30,000 people yelling and cheering." He was referring to his Phantom Regiment days. Then Tony turned the question on me.

What was the most thrilling moment in my life? I didn't... I don't have an answer, and even if I did, it would pale in comparison to my husbands. Any moments in my life that I would consider thrilling, he would have been right by my side. I have many, many fond and favorite memories... becoming a mommy for the first time and then again for the second time, becoming someones wife, living my own dream come true as I laid eyes on the Disney castle for the first time, learning forgiveness that was long overdue, seeing a daisy with new eyes, knowing God's will was being done and that He was using me to make a difference... so many times in my life have brought me to this place. Yet I can't lay a finger on a single moment and call it the best. In a way I feel cheated. Why can't I recall the best moment of my life? Did it pass me by without appreciation? Then I think that maybe my moments are all so precious that I can't choose one over another. I live a fairly simple life with simple plans and hopes. My expectations are simple and fairly few, despite what my husband would say.

As I go one with my night and with the days to come, I know this question will be tucked away in the back of my mind. I hope I find contentment as I continue to search for the answer.

A ho-hum day...

Today was cloudy and overcast just like my mood. It seems I only blog when I'm needing to get something off my chest and words seems to be my best medicine.

Today I got up and went to my school to talk to some potential incoming PTA students about the program. It's a time to have questions answered and hear a little bit of reality about the program before they commit. A second year student was there speaking as well, and I found her to be a little ray of sunshine in this otherwise drab day. She talked about how much she struggled the first year of the program, which is where I am, and then she talked about how much better the second year is. The PTA program is a 2 year, 5 semester, program. I'm in my 3rd semester of my first year. I'm looking forward to a schedule of lighter bookwork and more clinical experience. How I would love to be in her shoes... in a month she takes her boards for certification. A year from now that will be me. I will be 32 years old and just stepping into a career. I've missed so much time. Almost daily I regret the day where I let my high school academic advisor stear me wrong. I'm looking forward to my summer, though. I have no classes and no job. I get to spend the summer with my girls. I have big plans; sun, camping, sun, swimming, and more sun. I can't wait. Only 17 more class days!

Hearts At Home

I recently went to the Hearts at Home National Conference. It's hosted at ISU campus in Bloomington, IL and I 've been going for the past 5 years. Outside of getting some much needed time away from home and getting to giggle with friends until we cry, I always come home with a wealth of new knowledge. Some ideas are perfectly simple in theory but next to impossible to stick to, while others seem like they would never work and end up being a life savior! Each year I choose my workshops so that I cover my parenting shortcomings as well as gain some valuable marriage advice. This year one of my workshops was called "5 Minutes Until Goodbye". This is one workshop that I requested, but when it showed up on my list I wanted to shy away. When I sat at my computer and read the blurb, I thought I could really use the insight that this woman would provide. It clearly would be sad and heart-wrenching, but worth it. When it came time to walk away from my friends to go to our individual workshops, I started regretting such a deep subject on such a fun day. I made a plan to meet up with my friends for lunch and went my own way. I paused and turned to see if I could still catch up with a few of them and then continued on my path.

I selected a seat off to the side and toward the back of the auditorium. Ladies around me were chatting and giggling and digging through their bags to find the small package of tissues provided at the start of the conference. As I sat there I evaluated why I felt the need to get up and walk out of the room... My husband is a firefighter. My constant fear is that he will go to work and I'll get a devastating phone call or visit from the fire chief reporting an accident. What if I really only had 5 minutes to say goodbye? What if I didn't even have that?

The speaker brought us all to tears with her personal testimony of her relationship with her husband. She spoke of a relationship so strong that there was nothing left unsaid. Her story encouraged me and scared me all at once. Her husband is still alive but with his health she never knows when a hug may be the last. She values him each and every moment of each and every day. I want to be like that. I want to know that when my husband leaves for work I would have no regrets if I never get to chat with him again. I want to make sure nothing is left unsaid, especially "I'm sorry". We've been married for almost 9 years. We've had some really tough times and I have wanted to walk away because it seemed easier than all the fighting.

Now I know that 9 years isn't enough time with him.

Oscars

For the past several years I would go to a friend's house for an Oscar party. Each party couple would pick from one of the movies up for Best Picture and make a dish revolved around or pertaining to that movie. We would eat, critique gowns, eat, drool over a few stars, and watch the winners give their speeches. We also voted on our Oscar picks and the winner got a gift certificate to the movies. Sadly this year I am unable to go. When I checked my school schedule to see if I would be swamped with homework I had no idea that one project in particular would take so much time. So tonight, rather than watch the stars on the red carpet, I get to sit at Starbucks studying. Bummer.

Throughout my life I've had some really neat people come and go. Some friends are here for a short time and then distance separates us for whatever reason, while other friends stay the course and stick around for life. High school was a great time for me. I had struggles going on at home, but the only memories that stick out in my mind are the ones of staying up late giggling with girlfriends, that fluttery feeling of a new crush, or the feeling of Independence that I know must have made my mom crazy! Somehow I felt loved and wanted... popular among my clique.

Recently some old friends have resurfaced in my life. I can't help but think that our friendship has a purpose if God brought us back together after so much distance. Maybe I need them... maybe they need me. It's neat to reconnect and feel like time stood still. Once again you are back in high school, giggling, laughing out loud as you recall all of your inside jokes and most precious memories. Those days and those friends got me through times that I hope my children never have to go through. Somehow I came out of it all with my head held high and a smile on my face.

A wise, old friend once wrote that with each person we meet we are changed just by knowing them. We leave a legacy, a fingerprint, on each heart we encounter. To my dear, sweet friends, thank you for the fingerprint you left on my heart. My life has been so much sweeter since you have been a part of it.

A Cookies and Milk Kind of Night

I had a long day and still have things left to accomplish. After class I rested, got up to clean, fed my girls, had a phone conversation or two, read an AR book, gave a friend a massage, fed the dogs and said "good night" to my husband. Now I sit here alone with my text books open and my to do list sitting beside me trying to decide what to do next.

As I think back to the days of grade school and high school and even my early college days I remember how hard it was to sit and study without daydreaming or rushing through the text to get to the end. If I look at all the pages I must be done, right? Tonight I want to do the same thing... skim the pages and hope that something sticks for my quiz tomorrow.

I'd love nothing more than to cuddle up on the couch with my Yorkie in my lap, a cookie in one hand and a glass of cold milk in the other, and watch a movie. Sadly, I have to settle for a chair at the table with my Yorkie at my feet and a powerpoint lecture on total knee replacement occupying my mind. Someday it's all going to pay off, isn't it?

A tantruming 5 year old

At dinner tonight Lauren decided to have one of her 5 year old breakdowns. This all started when she was trying to carry her plate to the dinner table like a waitress (balanced on one hand above her shoulder). Her dad told her to hold it with two hands and she argued with him but gave in and carried it the right way. Then she wanted a second helping of green beans and brought her plate to the counter. I gave her another helping and as I turned back around I heard her plate hit the floor. Guess what... she was again trying to be a waitress again. I didn't say a word and she burst into tears. She knew she was caught doing just what she was told NOT to do. This brought forth a tailspin of tears and tantrums from our beautiful 5 year old, who is not quite able to make it through the day without a nap. She was excused from the table and sent to her room... I'm sure by now she is sleeping. Oh, the joys of motherhood!

Today was an encouragment...

Today I had my midterm evaluation in my clinical setting. My clinical instructor (CI) wrote up his evaluation of my progress thus far and my classroom instructor, Alice, came to visit and check in as she does with all her students. My evaluation was full of kind words and compliments that I so needed to hear. I needed to have some validation that I am really doing as well as I feel like I am. Alice commented to me today and also mentioned to my CI that I'm one of her strongest students. I couldn't help but to smile gently on the outside but on the inside I could hardly sit still! I have worked so hard and my family has given up so much for me to be doing this. Her words of affirmation mean so much more than she could ever know. I can't tell you how many times I've wondered if my education is taking too much away from my husband and my children. To make up for me not working, my husband is working a full time job, a regular part time job, and as many side jobs as he can to keep our home running. My girls have to make due with a television babysitter while I'm studying or completing an assignment rather than have me reading to them and spending time together.

Is this all coming at too high a price? Only if I fail.

My Soul Mate

Yesterday was Valentine's Day. We had no special plans for the night, no expectations. Then my husband's mom gives us the gift of a night out... just the two of us. Dinner and a show without the girls, without being the mom, I could focus on being me and giving my husband the attention he deserves. We had a great time together but hurried back to get our girls. We put them to bed and our date continued.

I looked at my husband last night. I saw him. The man that I get grouchy at when he sits in front of the computer endlessly, the one who leaves his shoes right in the walking path, the man who always seems to be walking out the door... I looked into his eyes and saw my life, my future. I could see that he loves me without conditions, truly and fully. He has given his life to me as much as I have given my life to him. We each have had to make sacrifices to be where we are. A little part of each individual is chipped away as we grow together. I'm not the same person he fell in love with, nor is he the same person I fell in love with. Yet, I'm amazed that with each breath I take I find myself more in love than ever.

We always say that we "fit". When we lay side by side in each other's arms we "fit", we are like a puzzle that may match colors with other pieces but when it comes right down to it, no other pieces will fit together so perfectly. I can't say how I know for sure, but I just know beyond a shadow of a doubt that no other person can be all that my husband is for me. The day I realized that was so precious. When I find myself frustrated I think back to my moment of certainty. It's a moment I treasure enough to not let it be ruined by words. I only wish all lovers could find such validation in their mate.

My Dance

Sometimes I feel like the weight of the world is dancing on my shoulders and I just can't seem to join in the fun. I'm not sure what holds me back and keeps me in my chair. Somewhere I got the idea that I have to "be a lady". Immediately this sets me apart. I often wonder if there is another world that I belong in. Don't get me wrong, I am not unhappy, not in the least. I just feel misunderstood. I sit back with my hands folded gently in my lap with a smile pasted on my face watching other people in the spotlight. Maybe it's fear of being a fool, or that I'm just not brave, maybe it's because your opinion of me is worth more than my own.

In my own mind I see myself doing great things and being needed; I have a purpose outside of my home. Is this pride? Is it vanity? What gives me the desire to be great but keeps me in my seat all at the same time? I want to be more than I am. I want to fly to great heights and feel the excitement of success. Not necessarily success in the traditional sense. I don't need bucket fulls of money and fame is of no interest to me. I want success in the form of being great at what I do and who I am. I would consider myself a success if a friend told me I saved her marriage, or my husband were to tell me that the amazing man he is today is a result of being with me... I would be a success if my children were to grow up into amazing woman after God's own heart. When I graduate and start a career I want people to choose me as their therapist, not only because I know what I'm doing, but because my touch and my way gives them hope and comfort. I want to leave a fingerprint on this world even if in the smallest of ways; a legacy that my children can be proud of... that I can be proud of.

So while the world dances, I will just sit back and wait. My turn will come and when it does I will gracefully stand and join the dance.

My first...

I know lots of people, mostly woman, who blog about their life and children. I have done so myself on many occasions. Usually my audience is geared toward my MySpace friends. I enjoy writing so much, however, that I decided to branch out with some anonymity. A place to be 100% me with no expectations. I've often thought that I should start journaling, but putting pen to paper is so hard for me. I can't count how many times I hit the backspace key until my words appear on screen just as they are in my head. Welcome to my world of dreams, fears, and fanstasy. So many thoughts and now the perfect place to jot them down.