Time is a funny thing. One moment I'm wishing for this stage of life to pass and then next moment I'm looking back wondering where it went. I remember, very distinctly, sitting on my bed when I was in 7th grade wondering what life must be like and how wonderful it all must be. I remember wondering about who I would fall in love with, what my wedding day would look like... my future was an endless open book of blank pages just waiting for time to fill it all in. The story of my life was written as I read it.
I felt infinate power to steer my destiny. I wouldn't settle for anything less than what I saw in my dreams. Time is funny... now my dreams no longer revolve around me. I have settled because it was the right thing to do. In all reality, I haven't settled. I have more than enough. An amazing man loves me, I have two beautiful little girls with dreams of their own, and a God that's so big that people miss His blessings and grace. I'm grateful for so much, in this season of life as well as seasons that have long passed. I don't want to be standing at the end of my life and all I can remember is wishing away the time. In the here and now... that's where I want to find my joy and contentment. Right here, right now.
(Except I can't WAIT for my kitchen to be done!!! ;D)
Monday, February 27, 2012
Saturday, February 25, 2012
It's been a while...
As I sit here in the silence of my home with no children around, no husband playing his guitar, no television or radio, I notice the noise in my head which has been wearing me down for days. I find comfort in words and healing in expressing them. In a desperate attempt to quite the noise, I write.
A sealed envelope from a teacher is rarely a good thing. One such envelope has occupied my mind and continues to weigh heavy on my heart. My sweet little Lauren has had a problem with being bullied. It occurred in Preschool and then continued on in Kindergarten by a different child. I had to go all Erin Brockovich, but I've managed to back the school into a corner which in turn resulted in the removal of this problem child though it was into the 4th year of bullying. This sealed envelope was a hand written letter from the teacher expressing concerns regarding Lauren's lack of attention to detail in class, her lack of happiness, and lack of smile. What heart-breaking words to hear from a teacher about your child...
Since this letter I've been making it my mission to be slow to anger, give positive feedback, more "I love you"s, talking through the tough moments of the day and celebrating the joys. As a mom, I'm finding it incredibly difficult to handle this on my own. I'm feeling like my little girl could be at a crossroads and to steer her the wrong way or not to steer her at all could be life changing. Yet when I get ready to take that next step I feel the need to be cautious regarding her spirit. Do I really want her to know that at age 8 she needed counseling? I have struggled with depression. I've been to counselors. I have worked my butt off to maintain my own mental health. Each day includes some kind of mental health assessment on my part. I am careful about what I watch, what I read, who I give my heart to and how close I become with others... At 34 years old I have learned my limits. Do my limits include being able to coach my daughter without professional backup?
Parents will go to the ends of the earth to give to their children. Sometimes it really doesn't even matter what they are giving... I want to give my girls roots into a solid foundation and wings to have the confidence to go into the world and tackle it with all of their might. I can't think of a greater gift. My parenting philosophy has always been to work backwards. I envision my children in various stages of their lives. Who are they? What does their character look like? How do they handle the tough situations that life will inevitably throw them? Then I work backwards. What do I have to teach them now to mold them into the image in my mind. Please don't get me wrong. I'm not choosing their career or their passions or forcing them into a life path. I'm simply teaching them character by looking ahead. What do I want for them and what tools should I give them today to help them achieve it?
This brings me back to Lauren. When I look ahead into her life I wonder if a counselor will help her work through her thoughts and give her invaluable advice or will it do more damage by giving her co-dependant expectations? This stage of parenting is hard, emotionally; and I feel ill equipped.
A sealed envelope from a teacher is rarely a good thing. One such envelope has occupied my mind and continues to weigh heavy on my heart. My sweet little Lauren has had a problem with being bullied. It occurred in Preschool and then continued on in Kindergarten by a different child. I had to go all Erin Brockovich, but I've managed to back the school into a corner which in turn resulted in the removal of this problem child though it was into the 4th year of bullying. This sealed envelope was a hand written letter from the teacher expressing concerns regarding Lauren's lack of attention to detail in class, her lack of happiness, and lack of smile. What heart-breaking words to hear from a teacher about your child...
Since this letter I've been making it my mission to be slow to anger, give positive feedback, more "I love you"s, talking through the tough moments of the day and celebrating the joys. As a mom, I'm finding it incredibly difficult to handle this on my own. I'm feeling like my little girl could be at a crossroads and to steer her the wrong way or not to steer her at all could be life changing. Yet when I get ready to take that next step I feel the need to be cautious regarding her spirit. Do I really want her to know that at age 8 she needed counseling? I have struggled with depression. I've been to counselors. I have worked my butt off to maintain my own mental health. Each day includes some kind of mental health assessment on my part. I am careful about what I watch, what I read, who I give my heart to and how close I become with others... At 34 years old I have learned my limits. Do my limits include being able to coach my daughter without professional backup?
Parents will go to the ends of the earth to give to their children. Sometimes it really doesn't even matter what they are giving... I want to give my girls roots into a solid foundation and wings to have the confidence to go into the world and tackle it with all of their might. I can't think of a greater gift. My parenting philosophy has always been to work backwards. I envision my children in various stages of their lives. Who are they? What does their character look like? How do they handle the tough situations that life will inevitably throw them? Then I work backwards. What do I have to teach them now to mold them into the image in my mind. Please don't get me wrong. I'm not choosing their career or their passions or forcing them into a life path. I'm simply teaching them character by looking ahead. What do I want for them and what tools should I give them today to help them achieve it?
This brings me back to Lauren. When I look ahead into her life I wonder if a counselor will help her work through her thoughts and give her invaluable advice or will it do more damage by giving her co-dependant expectations? This stage of parenting is hard, emotionally; and I feel ill equipped.
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