It's been a while...

As I sit here in the silence of my home with no children around, no husband playing his guitar, no television or radio, I notice the noise in my head which has been wearing me down for days. I find comfort in words and healing in expressing them. In a desperate attempt to quite the noise, I write.

A sealed envelope from a teacher is rarely a good thing. One such envelope has occupied my mind and continues to weigh heavy on my heart. My sweet little Lauren has had a problem with being bullied. It occurred in Preschool and then continued on in Kindergarten by a different child. I had to go all Erin Brockovich, but I've managed to back the school into a corner which in turn resulted in the removal of this problem child though it was into the 4th year of bullying. This sealed envelope was a hand written letter from the teacher expressing concerns regarding Lauren's lack of attention to detail in class, her lack of happiness, and lack of smile. What heart-breaking words to hear from a teacher about your child...

Since this letter I've been making it my mission to be slow to anger, give positive feedback, more "I love you"s, talking through the tough moments of the day and celebrating the joys. As a mom, I'm finding it incredibly difficult to handle this on my own. I'm feeling like my little girl could be at a crossroads and to steer her the wrong way or not to steer her at all could be life changing. Yet when I get ready to take that next step I feel the need to be cautious regarding her spirit. Do I really want her to know that at age 8 she needed counseling? I have struggled with depression. I've been to counselors. I have worked my butt off to maintain my own mental health. Each day includes some kind of mental health assessment on my part. I am careful about what I watch, what I read, who I give my heart to and how close I become with others... At 34 years old I have learned my limits. Do my limits include being able to coach my daughter without professional backup?

Parents will go to the ends of the earth to give to their children. Sometimes it really doesn't even matter what they are giving... I want to give my girls roots into a solid foundation and wings to have the confidence to go into the world and tackle it with all of their might. I can't think of a greater gift. My parenting philosophy has always been to work backwards. I envision my children in various stages of their lives. Who are they? What does their character look like? How do they handle the tough situations that life will inevitably throw them? Then I work backwards. What do I have to teach them now to mold them into the image in my mind. Please don't get me wrong. I'm not choosing their career or their passions or forcing them into a life path. I'm simply teaching them character by looking ahead. What do I want for them and what tools should I give them today to help them achieve it?

This brings me back to Lauren. When I look ahead into her life I wonder if a counselor will help her work through her thoughts and give her invaluable advice or will it do more damage by giving her co-dependant expectations? This stage of parenting is hard, emotionally; and I feel ill equipped.