Layer by layer, I peel back the anger, the irritability, and the need for isolation only to find fear, heartbreak, sadness and loneliness... an empty shell some days and becoming more and more so as the days pass by. I know why this is. I know all the reasons why. Of them all, there is only one that I can change... myself.
The first thing I think about in the morning, the last thing I think about before I fall asleep, and every other second in between is occupied by my weight, my body shape, the fit of my clothes, the dimples in my... the dimples everywhere. I look in the mirror when necessary to check my teeth or to steal a quick glance at my hair but never do I stop and pose like I used to as a teenager. My turns and spins in front of the mirror are now out of horror rather than admiration of how my butt looks in my jeans. I've finally stopped the madness and just quit spinning.
When I was in grade school I had a typical body image, suck it in at all the right times whether I needed to or not but then prance around in my bathing suit with reckless abandon. Into high school I was constantly called "cute" and I waited for the day that I would grow out of that image into being "lovely" or "beautiful" but today at 36 years old, I'm still "cute". I've decided that in order to be beautiful at my age, one has to be thin, maybe blonde, and have a strikingly outgoing personality. I'll go on being "cute" in my pursuit of finding beauty.
Today is the end of day 4 of gluten free eating which was a fairly smooth transition into better portion control and even perhaps a paradigm shift of attitude. I've made the commitment to purchase an UP band that will help me track my movement vs. my caloric intake as well as a nutritional supplement to boost my efforts. I'm still feeling defeated despite 4 days of success but I can tell that I'm feeling more energy and more control than I have in a long time.
I'm hoping that Monday will be an "all in" week with all my forces in place. I need this. I need this for me. I need to rediscover that "cute" teenage girl in the mirror who had so many great expectations of what this life would hold. She's in there. I know she's right where I left her. I just have to unbury her from the pounds that have piled up and the bumps and bruises from the baggage that she carries. No one can rescue her but me. Time to start digging her out.
"My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness." 1 Corinthians 12:9
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You can do this babe! We are on the same quest!! Love you!!!
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